Life is incredibly overwhelming and such.
All I do is work at Target Field, Ragstock and drink.
I’ve been hanging out with mostly guys lately and I love it. I’ve been trying to find out who gives me the best positive vibes and I’ve been a little bit happier with my friends lately. Jake, Dasia and I are HOPEFULLY [I have my fingers crossed so hard] getting this apartment near my house now right by the light rail. I hate my mom more than ever. Ragstock wants me to work full time immediately once Target Field is done which I’m alright with for a while, or at least until I find another better paying side job. I’ve had an assload of bike problems. I finally had two wonderful and fully functioning tires until someone stole my front one off my bike while I was at work. I was so pissed I broke my U-lock. Syrgeo fixed my tire problem temporarily.  Grace has been in town for a while which has been amazing. Jake and I are hopefully going to the state fair Monday. I’ve been complaining about my dick supervisor at Target Field and finally got an ungraded meal ticket, woo. I’m stressed over Jake having to go to court for this mystery money he owes from college that his mom claimed she paid forever ago and he was giving her money to pay it off, plus my mom being extra insane, having to pay my mom rent, we have no food stamps anymore, I have to pay my phone bill, I’m still using this really shitty flip phone, my sister has been a huge selfish cunt, Nick and I are briefly speaking and civil again, and my mom is just driving me nuts. Blah blah blah. That’s the shortest I’ve ever written on here, especially after not writing for a while. I’ll write more eventually.

I’n always being let down,
FUCKING ALWAYS!
I’m so sick of everyone just leaving me hanging. It always happens on holidays and my birthday or any day actually there is supposed to be an event of sorts.

So, I heard of nothing happening on the 4th of July, so I made an event on facebook. A handful of people said they were coming, turns out not a single person was about to come. No, it wasn’t about to heat. It was the fact that everyone had something better to do. I spent the last of my money on a bottle for this party/get together. I made sure I had a bunch of stuff we would need, I was about to start gathering firewood, and then absolutely no one responds to my texts or calls. I’m so sick of feeling like I don’t exist. I see dozens of other people who are super happy, drinking, eating, having the time of their life all over in real life and the internet, some of which I know too and no one every thinks to invite me to things. I AM SO FUCKING LONELY!

I just want to be able to go out and be with a bunch of people, even if I don’t know them that well and I want to say that I had an amazing night. Nope. Instead I come home from roasting and going to see fireworks to wait for my boyfriend to get off work. I then try texting a bunch of people again…NOTHING! The only people who respond are the ones who don’t have any liquor and more than likely just want me to come to them to give them some of my booze, watch them get all crazy and then kick me out. So my boyfriend and I just sat at home smoking a baby roach of reggies, and drinking whiskey while watching Nip/tuck.

I shouldn’t be surprised, everyone ALWAYS does this shit to me. It just hurts to know that people just don’t give a shit.

Now I’ll be working 2-7 today, I bet NO ONE will still have responded to me by the time I’m off work. How are over 20 people’s phones ironically just not working?

Real, positive, fun friends. People who will gossip with me, not about me. People who will drink, smoke, and party with me but aren’t like doing bath salts or shooting up. People who will be there for me even if it’s just to listen. People who wont judge me.

New legitimate friends are needed.

It’s like I try to talk to people I don’t hang out with ever and no one will ever respond. I swear I’m not that lame.

I still basically hate everyone and have like no friends. And by “like no friends” I mean I have some but they tend to only hit me up when they want something, abuse my kindness, walk all over me, disrespect me, bail on me, talk shit about me behind my back, are never there for me OR Moved away, work all the time and opposite hours as me, are too busy for me.

Shit sucks when you have no one REAL there for you besides your boyfriend. I’m thankful I have him at least. I wish I could meet real, genuine people that like to go out and actually do stuff, like to party and listen to decent music. Where are you people?

Another thing, my sister just flipped out on me, deleted me from all social networks, and wont talk to me because I apparently really offended her unintentionally. I was really irritated and pissed off on Saturday about everyone treating me like shit and always bailing on me and using me and then she texts me telling me she’s going to hang out with my best friend who wasn’t texting me back for days so naturally I got upset. I was working all day too. Also there was odd stuff going on the last time we all hung out together. Now I’m basically becoming detatched from my family. My dad and cousins are the only people I get a long with anymore and I never see or really talk to my cousins. I wish life didn’t always have to be like this.

Despite being really stressed from the lack of money/food/home and the lack of family and friends I’ve became hopeful that since I’m working two jobs and Jake will be working we can get an apartment very soon! I know we should August at the latest.

Things feel like they’re slowly falling into place. Hopefully I didn’t jinx it all now. I’ve been wishing so hard though. Wish us luck!

Is there something wrong with me I don’t know about? Am I scary or something?

Straight up. I sit in my room most of the day, shower, work sometimes, clean the room, do laundry, mass text people trying to make plans, tweet trying to make plans and say stuff on facebook looking for plans then all I hear are crickets basically, then I usually get drunk and try to forget about how much I hate the world.

Best friend of 16ish years is moving to St. Cloud, other best friend of like 7 years moved to Shakopee and snapped on me today when I just simply asked how she was doing out there and apparently I’m a fake alcoholic friend. I may be an alcoholic but I am far from fake. I am a genuine, loving, caring and nice fucking person if you’re my friend. My other best friend is moving to Edina I believe. A girl who used to be my best friend but completely drifted away from the group of us with her boyfriend now thinks she’s better than everybody and never has time for me even when I try to make plans.

The rest of my friends are broke asses. I love most of them but it’s so ridiculously annoying when they constantly want me to drink them up, smoke them up, bum them cigarettes, give them gas money, borrow them money I never get back, I have to put together the plans and figure the entire day out. I’m so done.

I REALLY NEED TO MEET SOME NEW GENUINE PEOPLE IN MINNEAPOLIS!
Seeing how I’ll be stuck in this state for a lot longer than I thought I’m going to need to surround myself with much better company because I doubt it’s healthy to isolate myself with Jake constantly. 

Only because I’ve been really down lately. [Especially now since Jake lost his job yesterday and we’re already struggling hard as hell] Okay, but I was thinking when I was in my PHP classes at HCMC they tried to be really supportive and they would tell me whenever I was having a depressing/anxiety filled day that I have a huge support system and I have tons of friends. Why is it that not even a year later everybody has vanished? Did it really take me stabbing myself, being in the psych-ward, and going to crazy people classes for a month to have people here for me? What the fuck is going to happen if that happens again? People will crawl back out of the wood work to give fake sympathy when someone tries to kill themself. Were they only doing it so they didn’t feel guilty?

People only seem to be there for you when it’s convenient to them.

I just want to be pretty.
I just want to be skinny.
I just want friends.
I just want to be accepted.
I just want a place to live.
I just want everything to work out.
I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY! 

I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF SITTING AT HOME!

I swear every day I have off too is either storming or freezing! I just want smoke/drink somewhere warm with my friends and eat tacos.

I haven’t written anything in a little while and I know whenever I do it’s usually depressing but fuck I need to vent so bad right now. I promise I’ll post happy pictures after this.

- I lost my dream job at Chicago Lake, and I feel like the biggest piece of shit for the reason why. If you want to know why and want to then ask. I loved that job so much, it was getting routine and I was starting to dislike some of my co-workers but some of them I was actually becoming friends with. I’m just still really hurt and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to go back in that liquor store without having that sinking feeling in my stomach.

- My family has basically excluded me and my mom out of if because my mom is so crazy. She got on facebook, and is so weird and insane about it. She posts weird shit such as what she thinks are sexy pictures. It’s disgusting, and painful to even see. She also has been going bat-shit crazy since my dad ran away over a year ago and he’s been teasing her and leading her to believe that he’s moving back here with her. It’s insane so she takes it ALL out on me. She’s getting so crazy, I feel like she’s becoming senile. She obsessively cleans everything, and is always sitting on facebook stalking people and then in her spare time calls or comes to me to bitch about everything ever. So my family thinks she’s insane for putting everybody through all of this bullshit and they pretty much cut her out after she was a huge bitch on Thanksgiving. No nobody on my mom’s side of the family will even talk to me. I don’t even know the majority of the people on my dad’s side of the family and MOST of the ones I do know are pretty gutter. So now last night my mom tells me that one of my random cousins we barely ever talk to messaged her and said that her dad [my grandpa] is basically dying and has been in and out of the hospital for the past 2 weeks. That tore me up last night after I was already having a breakdown.

- My mom has been telling me that me and Jake ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO BE OUT by May 1st. She then turns around and says just Jake has to be out because he smells bad, like seriously that was her reasoning, we both stink so we have to get out. Is that even real life? Regardless, we have been planning on getting out of here as soon as we possibly can and we decided a while ago that we wanted to be out by May 1st anyway because I am so miserable here. So I have been searching for apartments for the past month or so and having Jake call them all and we’ve been struggling so hard to figure everything out, everywhere either wont call us back, wont answer, only has more than one bedroom, or is too expensive. Also there are a lot of places that wont have an opening when we’re looking for because honestly what the fuck am I going to do when a place has an opening June 1st, we have to be out a month prior with nowhere to put our shit, and absolutely nowhere we can stay. What friends/acquaintances we do have are either getting kicked out of their current places, moving or are living with kids and we can’t stay there so this is really a hard place to be right now. Oh and I have NO idea how I forgot to mention that Jake’s taxes which we were really looking forward to were completely taken away by the government because he owed money for school and hospital bills. That REALLY hurt us. It’s like everything is falling apart in my face.

- The hardest part of this all probably has to be the fact that I’ve grown apart from or have been abandoned by all the friends I used to have. I’m not close with anybody anymore besides Jake, don’t get me wrong I love him to death but I really miss having a best friend there for me. I miss when my group of friends and I were so close and together. I miss having somebody to talk to whenever I want and Jake definitely doesn’t always know how to handle me when I’m freaking out and having a breakdown always. I think he’s still scared from when all that shit happened in September. I miss Dasia, Paige, Cheyenne, and Brandon honestly. I never ever see any of them. Cheyenne deleted me from facebook and texted me saying she doesn’t want anything to do with us because we hung out with her ex on New Years. I can’t wrap my head around why she’s flipping out about that no in April, but whatever. I already cried over this earlier. Dasia just seems like she could care less if I was around or not. I try texting her and I know she works a shit ton but when she doesn’t work it seems like she doesn’t even want to see me. I feel like I’ve done something to piss everybody off. Paige is always upset because of Pepper, money and everything going on in her life and she seems to always be sick too whenever I try to hang out with her. Brandon is working and in school constantly and busy with his life. I don’t know what happened to everybody else, everyone kind of just seemed to fade away. Jake says it’s because we’re all growing up but then when I went on facebook last night that was the thing to trigger my slowly declining breakdown. I see all of these people I used to be close friends with, who I used to have awesome times with all over the internet who are posting about hanging out with some of the same people still and the majority of them all have their lives together, they’re doing great, and I know that at least half  of the have even forgot who I am. It feels like it would take a week at least for anybody to notice if I were to disappear or die, and sadly the thing I know would tip anybody off would be I haven’t tweeted in a while. It’s so fucking depressing. I wish I had a friend to have inside jokes with, hang out with, go shopping with, get drunk with, come to for my problems and be there for. I know I have Jake, but like I said I really miss having friends too. He probably feels overloaded with all of the shit I give him too. So Tumblr, where my friends at? Hahhhhhhh. I’d like to think I’m a pretty awesome person but apparently others don’t feel that way. Another thing that really makes me sad is that I had a week off last week since I was fired from Chicago Lake and now I wont be working every single day but nobody even makes an effort to chill with me, they make the effort to break the plans I make with them though. I’m also so socially awkward I can never even approach somebody to try to hang out or be friends or whatever. I haven’t done anything like that since I was like 5 years old. I’ve had the friends I had because they were there forever, and then I met people through other people and at parties and shit. Now I don’t even get to go to parties, I’m never invited. SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO DESERVE ALL OF THIS SHIT?!

Ugh, alright I do honestly feel a little better. I’m done now. I have to go get my last paycheck cashed and do shit with my life. 

You can only have your heart broken so many times in so many different ways.

Thanks “best friends” for being the huge fucking asses that you are. Alright, since when does everybody hate my boyfriend? Apparently since we’ve been back together and nobody has really said anything until now to me. Nope. Actually one of my best friends tells me SUPER last minute that Jake can’t come out to the bar last night for his birthday, Ummm ok. But he only says this because my other best friend…of 15 years says she doesn’t want him there. Nope, but you guys would rather hang out with this girl who is a TOTAL bitch to me and makes me feel like shit and talks massive shit about me. That’s totally cool though just because she lives kind of far away.

Seriously, the last people I excepted to turn around and shit on me….they do.
I’m fucking 22 years old and still go through middle school drama for no reason. This shit is so ridiculous. I’ve been trying so hard to avoid this shit. Apparently people must have been really bored to start this shit. Thanks, guys. You’re the best for fucking over one of your best friends.

The really fucked up thing is that he has enough fucking nerve to ask me to just get the money from my boyfriend to go to the bar. WOW!  And what is he going to do when we’ve been planning on going out all week? Just sit at my mom’s house and chill with her as she’s trying to kick us out anyway. I can’t believe how fucking rude, two faced, fake, bitchy, and cunt like friends could be. 

Thanks ever so much for never giving any fucks about me.

>___<  

I just started to tear up for no reason.
I have to poop.
I have a tiny hangover.
I’m still laying in my bra and underwear on the floor on the internet and I’ve been awake for 2 hours. I should probably do something with my life and get the fuck out of here before my insane mom gets home.

Minnesota people,
Let’s chill. I’m sick of being bored or being ditched, avoided, flaked on and whatever else by my friends. I really fucking need to chill with new people. 

I’ve been here 22 years and still have yet to find anybody who is truly nice.

REAL and GENUINE people where are you?
Please come into my life! 

At least everyone I’ve encountered.
I either dislike you because you’re a whore, annoying, a baby, two-faced, fake, slutty, you try too hard, you ARE drama, you think you’re above people, you’re boring, you’re awkward, no common interests, you’re connected to and or friends with people who dislike me.

By the way, the people that dislike me have absolutely no reason to dislike me besides they think I’m annoying. They usually think I’m annoying because I complain too much. At least I know why people dislike me. There is no reason to go out of your way to continuously talk shit about me though.

I really wish that everybody here could GET THE FUCK OVER THEMSELVES!

I’ve also been incredibly pissed off because people suddenly dislike Jake and accused him of stealing money on New Years. This making it IMPOSSIBLE for me to go hang with people. Me and Jake fucking live together at my mom’s house. He lives here because I don’t want my fucking boyfriend being homeless. It’s kind of hard to leave him at my mom’s alone because she’ll bitch about not having alone time and find everything else to bitch about.

I’m in a pretty miserable situation here,
I’m no longer on my happy pills because the government cut my medica because I apparently make too much money. My hours have been cut at work because it’s not as busy this time of year. I’m living back in the very place that all of my intense misery has rooted from. My mom makes me feel like complete shit EVERY SINGLE DAY and makes me pay to live here then bitch about me being here. Jake is struggling to find a job and I keep having mental/emotional breakdowns. My seasonal depression is starting to get insane. I feel like I have been abandoned by all of my friends.

I just want to surround myself with some new faces so fucking bad. That’s next to impossible though when I don’t have a place to host get-togethers and I’m stuck in Minnesota where the weather is now becoming frigid and the people are even more cold. 

I NEED NEW FUCKING REAL FRIENDS!

Pepper’s 22nd birthday party in November.

The last time I saw all of these friends in one place at the same time.